OMG!!!! I laughed so hard, I cried.

[MyKingKaysar]

Got to get me some of this stuff !!!!


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta.



One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with
nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?"



So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!



Then the phone rings and its Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing. . ."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No. . "

"Well, DON'T, cause I'm in FLORIDA!!"

[lostinks]

OMG...........:P :P :P :P :P

[melly]

:P:D i dont get it...but i'm laughing anways!! LOL. thanks...i needed a laugh today. LOL

[percarde]

Jet fuel is quite combustible and packs a lot of thrust...... ;)

[angelbabe]

hahaha:D:D:D

[Debookwrm]

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P

Deb

[teebrd05]

lol :D

[Aiken4LOTR]

LOL. Nice...very nice. :D

[Darealestredhead]

lol

[Pam2]

:P

[karina]

i dont get it :(

[SweetGal]

:D:D:D fun stuff

[angelbabe]

here's one

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[Shelby1]

^haha that's a good one

[angelbabe]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[Shelby1]

^HAHAHHA...that's great

[angelbabe]

this maybe too dirty if it is tell me and i'll delete it.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[angelbabe]

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

[angelbabe]

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

[angelbabe]

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

[angelbabe]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[angelbabe]

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[angelbabe]

i thought i'd cheer you all up with some jokes.:cool:

[angelbabe]

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

[Shelby1]

haha those are great

[angelbabe]

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

[angelbabe]

they had me laughing.

[angelbabe]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[angelbabe]

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[angelbabe]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Smokie]

LOL!!! :P

[stack581]

:D:D:D

[angelbabe]

glad you like.:D

[Queeny]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

[sonshine]

Originally posted by MyKingKaysar
Got to get me some of this stuff !!!!


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta.



One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with
nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?"



So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!



Then the phone rings and its Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing. . ."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No. . "

"Well, DON'T, cause I'm in FLORIDA!!" Omgosh....roflol.....that is way too funny!!

[lostinks]

Why? Why? WHY?!!!

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

#2....Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is no money in the account?

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

#4....Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

#6...Why doesn't't Tarzan have a beard?

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

#8....Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized? (I like this one)

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

#16...How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?

#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?

#20...How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife
told you to do it?

#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take
up sky diving!

#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!

*************************************
I don't suffer from insanity....

[lostinks]

I like the last one..:P remind you of anyone..hehe :P


Some humor from "down-under." Thanks for flying Quantas!



After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.



Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident... Enjoy!



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



(I love this one!)
P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



And the best one for last...



P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

[stack581]

Originally posted by lostinks
Why? Why? WHY?!!!

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?

#2....Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is no money in the account?

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

#4....Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

#6...Why doesn't't Tarzan have a beard?

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

#8....Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized? (I like this one)

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

#16...How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?

#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?

#20...How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife
told you to do it?

#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take
up sky diving!

#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!

*************************************
I don't suffer from insanity....

I'm guilty of #13.